I hate when people mention someone in their life by their name without providing me with any context about who this person is.
“So Dylan and I went to yoga class yesterday — ”
Hold it right there. Who the fuck is Dylan. Your boyfriend? Your arch nemesis? Your brother? Your pet sea monkey? Your therapist? Your favourite fictional character? Are you on a first-name basis with your dad? Last-name basis with Bob? WHO THE FUCK IS DYLAN.
(JEAN-RALPHIO enters.) TOMMY T! You just missed the CRAZIEST of crazies. Clubs. Girls. Dancing. Naked---MOM?!?! Argument. Fleeing the scene. Hiding in a dumpster. Coming here. Crashing on your couch for a week 'cause [sings] technically I'm homeless.